Torture. Officially sanctioned by the newly imposed/democratically elected government. Our stand-in-front-of-the-cameras-Nicky-do-that-liberal-conscience-thing-you-do-ever-so-well Deputy Prime Minister says the abuse claims were “extremely serious” and of course, the real clincher, the abuse claims, “needed to be looked at”. That’ll really help Nick. Of course Nick Clegg can always, for his own ethical well-being, claim not to have voted for this war. And he’d be right. Action plan confirmed, we all knew he’d be straight on the phone to Obama. Outrage and moral uproar follows, vociferous news reports condemning the torture. No?

No.

It’s all Wikileaks’ fault. The truth is bad. We can’t handle the truth.

Nation goes to war claiming direct threat, we must act in self-defence. This is then magically reworded to Operation Iraqi Freedom. Saddam killed. New government elected. Private oil contracts signed. Government tortures released inmates.

Q: What will be the reaction of the US-led forces?

A: “Ah, now, let me think about this, the Iraqi’s are going have to take responsibility at some point – we can’t just ‘take’ power back and stop them from torturing the inmates. We’ll have to let that pass, in any case, we’ve got the contracts now.”

They must’ve mentioned it, the media? Across the spectrum? This is, after all, a massive story of epic proportions and consequences if proved to be true (by the very same documents the military themselves created).

Again, no.

Fox news have declared that Wikileaks and the individuals involved in setting up and developing this online-source-protection will now be classified as the enemy. Sorry, let me quote again, “enemy combatants” is the official line. Wikileaks are a foreign company and they deserve to be punished. Pure, in-your-face, we don’t give a fuck about the truth any more, propaganda. Essentially an online server that releases documents, without censorship and attempts to protect the anonymity of the source are now our declared enemy. Not terrorists. Not guns. Not bombs. Not 45 minutes away. A website, storing and releasing documents, created by the military themselves. We’re now in a virtual war against Wikilieaks. The intelligence services will place the nation on an Ultra Red ‘Shit Your Bricks’ Level Alert. I’m frozen with fear.

Credit where it’s due though. The media, and those lurking in the dark shadows of influence managed to turn around a story, create a separate narrative based on strict, tried and tested methods. They’ve now successfully convinced millions of people, across the globe, to be angry at the personalities involved – and forget the horrific physical torture of other human beings. At least we’ve got Nick Clegg to speak up for us.

But credit must go to Marcus for being the first to break the Rooney to stay at United story. Thursday 22nd October 2010 – 10:38am, in the midst of blanket media coverage about Rooney leaving United due to the clubs lack of ambition, Marcus stuck his neck on the line and said Rooney would sign a new deal and stay at United for years to come. Alongside the best left back in the world, oh no, that would be Wayne Bridge?

Episode 1:

Russell returned to the radio, with a little help from old Radio2 boss Lesley Douglas, at 9pm on TalkSport. His old Saturday night slot. A deal for 20 one-hour shows has been agreed. Although the Daily Mail editorial staff will have a significant impact on Russell Brand lasting the full allocation of shows. If they get emotional, and you bet they will looking for opportunities to do so, the ensuing uproar may force the commercial station to rethink the partnership.

The show starts in a conference centre. An audience cheers out. The lack of radio intimacy has already put me off. This is not a radio show, it is a recording, live, of a stand-up gig. Massive difference. Still, it’s funny.

I’m looking forward to the improvisation and banter with Matt and/or Noel Gallagher or maybe even Mr Ross; this is the real comedy genius. I’ve always found Russell Brand funnier when he’s got somebody else to bounce off. He does use the audience in the recording on TalkSport,  but the adverts just cut into dialogue, half-way through an anecdote. At least with the radio show conversation will lead into the commercials, rather than feeling like you’re listening in to a show – but not quite involved.

Then Matt Morgan turns up at 9:20pm. And Mr G. All three review the Edinburgh Evening News; it works. It works because they’re laughing at themselves, and trying to make each other laugh – instead of regurgitating a script. Chemistry exists, they know each other well, unlike the strangers in the audience.

More commercials. More repetition. More over excited voices,  expressing every word at a steady pace, until the end of the ad, then come-the-terms-and-conditions-and-everbody-speaks-very-quickly.

“Autoglass repair, Autoglass replace.”

This is going to be hard to bear. I don’t listen to radio with adverts.

“Adverts, probably the best way to annoy someone on a Saturday evening”

I might have to wait for the podcast. Although I suspect they may still invade the flow when I listen to that.

“Kocken ze harbour. Why do Ich harbour me kocken.”

If you didn’t listen, you’ll be ignorant to that joke. I can’t attempt to explain it. Then Chris Hoy turns up, currently the Unofficial King of Scotland. Sir Knighthood Doctor of Cycling and Olympic History. Then Brand attacks the Scottish accent for making the word “third” sound too like the word “turd” when expressing the popularity of darts in Scotland. It goes down well. More adverts.

I think they’ve told me I can listen to the uncut not for radio recording on the website 19 times in 41 minutes. I’m glad they think I’m a goldfish.

Then the third section of the show returns to a studio, albeit with a smaller audience. This is more like it. Dartboy becomes the topic of the show. Carnage.

“I know a lot of knowledge about darts” says Dartboy.

Brand claims he’s going to get Dartboy addicted to a variety of substances and throw him in the river. The Daily Mail is sniffing around, could this be there moment? If we don’t get a second episode, you’ll know why.

Topics discussed;

Intro 1, Marcus Vs. Dom’s sister, evidence, catch up, Farelli’s ruin TV shows, fatty Moyles, X-Factor prosti-cution, phone call, Marcus’ moist moment, leukaemianorthwales.org, intro 2, TV free (I.e fun free), bro code, Bill & Ted 3, 50 Cent or 50 Senseless, Empire magazine is a nob, Reality TV rejections, Dom did say shut up, George’s harsh wedding critique, self promotion, Yahoo Google YouTube, racism call back, Bible Science, serious moment, Danny Dyer, George’s reading, retard high, end.

We all heard about the Pope, the Pope-mobile, the ‘third world’ reference, and the full blown attack of the atheists on Christmas. I’m sure you must also have caught the attack of the Muslims? The Muslim Plot to Destroy the Catholic Church, or something along those lines churned out in the Express and the Mail. The buggers eh? Canteen joke or serious attempt at terror on the Christ-incarnate? All released. All innocent. Not that you’d know it reading the press.

Again, the bloody Pope, taking all the attention with his state visit to the UK. Well, I’ve come across an interesting stat based on analysis of the press over the past week. The Pope was discussed in 797 articles across the UK media spectrum. This, however, and somewhat worryingly, was mentioned a mere 6 times. Six measly articles about one of the biggest arms deals in the history of US/anybody else relations. Forget building a mosque near a building site, or the state of Delaware voting in a lady who believes adultery is committed every time you have a wank. No, a $60 billion arms deal is practically ignored. The readers don’t care. The advertisers aren’t too fussed. The journos prefer a bit of pedophile/winterval/tax-payers-expense scandal. But they do choose to ignore a huge deal with a country that provided the vast majority of suicide bombers on the 11th September 2001. “It’s what the public want” they cry. I’m thinking Iraq in the early 80′s maybe?

This was taken from ‘journalisted’ in a weekly round-up of popularity. Disgrace eh? A massive agreement to shore up the failing Saudi army, a country with a wonderful record on human rights and general common sense. Although, of course, there is an explanation. Iran, and the growing threat of nuclear warfare. Oh good, I’m chuffed to bits the media decide an ageing freak from the corrupt Catholic church, waltzing about in an equally ridiculous vehicle, feeding the Daily Mail with enough content to last them a lifetime, can find the time to ignore such a critical worldwide peace development.

After spending all week serving the nation Marcus still managed to fool George with his theme tune of the week. The clue is in the title, and in the theme tune*. (ignore the most annoying laugh, ever, at the beginning of the music, it’s a custard laugh)

Six predict, an idea nobody has ever tried in the history of sports coverage. Six games, two divisions. Who can predict the future?

George is a hypocrite. Marcus is the saint in the title, and judge and jury.

Premiership round-up. The cuntage of renegade footballers. Transfer news. Transfer views. Transfer speculative rumours and little white lies. Oh, and Top Trumps England-stlye.

Cook-ing cricket. A lesson in how to pick the England openers, but not from Marcus or George. Cric info (Podcast Four Style). If you love analysis, cricket averages and a run down on the most consistent batsmen, of all time, you’ve come to the right place – with the Marcus Mitchell Statistical Section of Knowledge – and a lesson in being thankful for Kevin Pietersen.

Golfing management for Monty. The three wild cards selected, again, and probably again next week.

The Lucas Show. And a factual chalkboard explanation of truth.

The Sportscast. Every Friday… with Marcus and George*

*email sportscastfour@gmail.com if you want to receive your official squad number for this season. The deadline is soon, and only 25 places are available. Get your Sportscast Squad Number, before it’s too late.

“This role will be a position of trust, and the successful candidate would act as Iain’s ambassador in his absence, representing Iain with confidence, courtesy and accuracy.”

Or, I would like YOU, THE APPLICANT, to cover for all the bullshit I spout, all the spin that I , erm, spin. Can you do that? If so, this is the job for you.

The Responsibilities:

Clean my office.

Clean my clothes.

Buy me coffee, when I expect it, without me asking.

Write my blog posts on ToryHome, no qualifications required for that bit, so freelancers may apply.

I need someone to listen, without questioning.

I need a smartly dressed person, capable of style, without costing too much.

I need someone to agree with everything I say, again, without questioning me.

Skills and Qualifications:

You need to be able to use a computer, without me having to employ further IT consultant’s for further advice. That would not be good for my next nomination process.

Apply here: